Abandoned Memories
by Janeway1390
Summary: COMPLETE Post Chosen. Three months after the destruction of Sunnydale Buffy was sent to Rome to find a new Slayer, but she never returned. The Scoobies thought she died, but they're in for a big surprise when Buffy returns to save Dawn.
1. Broken Road

**A/N: **This was just an idea that popped into my head. I hope you enjoy it! Reviews are helpful and very appreciated.

**Disclaimer: **Buffy the Vampire Slayer is owned by Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy, I unfortunately own nothing.

* * *

Sometimes late at night when she had finally slipped into that once peaceful state of sleep, she would get terrible nightmares that chilled her to the bone. Tonight was one of those nights. She woke up with a scream that made her blood run cold. Sweat dripped off her brow and mixed with her tears of rage and pain. She got up from her bed and went into the kitchen and grabbed a glass of water with shaking hands and slowly drank it down. 

As she sat back in her bed she thought she could hear her cries of pain and the sickening laughter of the man that tormented her. She looked at her clock. It was nearing three and she had to get up at six to get to work She laid back and closed her eyes, but Buffy Summers never went back to sleep.

* * *

Most of the students Buffy talked to had been sent to her by the principal or their teachers for acting out in class, but the ones that came to her on their own usually had the biggest problems. She had talked to a lot of students about their family and home life, she even had a few that had tried to commit suicide. Those were the toughest days, trying to convince teens that the world was a pretty good place to live in. She wanted to tell them that she had experience in the matter, but she was never able to. Though her job often caused her a lot of stress, she loved it. She even went to college to get a degree in psychology. In a way helping troubled students helped her with her own problems. 

The girl sitting in front of her had been beaten by her dad for years until recently when he was put in jail for using and dealing drugs. In some ways the girl reminded Buffy a lot of herself, having to grow up way to fast and having a troubled past. Buffy had scheduled weekly sessions with Lucy for about a month and a half. Lucy didn't really open up to Buffy, she always seemed to be hiding something.

"Do you have a lot of friends?" Lucy asked suddenly.

"No" Buffy said quietly "Since I moved to New York I haven't really made any friends"

"How long have you lived here?"

"Two years" Buffy chuckled "For the past seven years I've moved around a lot."

"Aren't their any teachers here you get along with?"

"I don't really talk to many people. I just feel like they can't understand what I've been through"

"I know the feeling. Lately people have been telling me that their sorry for what I've been through and that they understand my pain, but they don't. No one wants to be my friend because their too busy feeling sorry for me. The treat me like I'm broken"

Broken. Once again Buffy could relate. The simple word recalled too many memories that she wished would stay buried. All she could manage was a small smile and a nod as Lucy got up and walked out of her office. She looked up at her clock and noticed that she had spent almost two hours with Lucy. Most of their sessions only lasted an hour. Hopefully it was a sign that she was making progress with the teen.

"Do you have many friends?" Lucy's words echoed in her mind. It instantly made Buffy remember the friends that she once had. They had long forgotten about her by now, seven years was a long time after all. She was surprised at how short of a time it took for them to abandon her, to forget. But it was okay, she had started over. She intended to contact them some day, but it was just a way to reassure herself that she still cared. But that's as far as she ever got. She had never even picked up the phone or even tried to find where they lived or even if they were still alive. Buffy justified her actions by remembering that they thought she was dead.

* * *

It was five o'clock by the time Buffy got home from work. She fixed herself a bowl of chicken noodle soup for a snack and turned on the five o'clock news. She faintly heard the weather forecast and the breaking news and her soup lay untouched. Instead she stared ahead at her sister. She was older now, her brown hair lay shoulder length, she had grown taller, and her features were more defined, but she was still unmistakably Dawn. Her sister was lying on the ground, bleeding, with a hideous looking monster standing in front of her. Dawn lay helpless as the creature brought it's long talons toward her neck. 

"DAWN!" Buffy yelled, but the image of her sister went away. It was replaced by the face of the news reporter. Buffy looked around composing herself, and realized that she had fallen asleep. She had been dreaming, but it felt too real. It took her a moment to realize what was actually happening. She had not gotten a prophetic dream in some time and the realization felt foreign to her. It had been a long time since she had been put in the position of saving someone. Last time she tried that she paid a very high price. Buffy knew that without her help her sister might die. But could she help her? Buffy wasn't the Slayer anymore. It wasn't her responsibility. Making up her mind Buffy grabbed her soup and turned the volume up one her tv.


	2. Flip Side

**A/N **Thanks so much for the reviews! And you'll have to wait for the reason Buffy left the gang. The answer won't come for a few more chapters, but if you read closly there are a lot of hints.

* * *

"Giles, Faith called she's getting back late from LA and needs someone to cover her class tomorrow" 

Giles looked up from the files on his desk and nodded "Would you mind, Dawn? You've taught her class before"

"Sure"

He watched as she walked out of his office. It amazed him how much she had grown up. She had a grace about her that she undoubtably inherited from Buffy. Dawn had become a skilled Watcher in a short amount of time and she was the only one of the group that stayed with him in England. Willow had split with Kennedy shortly after Buffy's death and she lived in Paris as a part of a coven. Xander had moved to Africa doing special training with the Slayers. Faith traveled a lot on business, but she still taught a few classes at the Council. Spike learned of Buffy's death when he came to England after some big battle in LA. Then he disappeared. No one had heard or seen from him since. And in a move than surprised everyone Angel became CEO of the New York branch of Wolfram and Hart. They were all his family and he missed them terribly. He even found a small part in his heart for the vampires after Buffy's death. To him it was a small way of honoring her.

The Watcher realized that it had been at least six months since they had all been together. Lately he had been trying to find an excuse to get them all together, but in the end they were all too busy.

Giles looked back down at the file in front of him and sighed. There had been a new demon in town that had been terrorizing the city. There weren't many records of it and Giles was having a hard time figuring out why they couldn't kill it. They had stabbed it, cut off it's head, burnt it, and even tried magick, but it didn't help. In fact, they had lost two Slayers on it already. Giles knew what he had to do, even though he hated doing it.

* * *

"Is everything okay, Lucy?" Buffy asked surprised. She wasn't scheduled to see Lucy until next week. 

"Yeah, I just needed to talk. Is this a good time?"

"Of course" Buffy said waiting for the girl to sit. When Lucy was about to talk she suddenly burst into tears. Buffy laid a comforting hand on the girl's and waited for her to speak.

"M-My father's attorney came to my home last night. They want to take Emily away."

"Emily?"

"My sister. She's ten. They're trying to make her go to my grandparents house. We've never even met them. Since I'm eighteen I don't have to go and Em doesn't want to leave me"

"Do they have the power to do that? Since your dad abused you and Emily can he send your sister somewhere?" Buffy asked, but she already knew the answer. If they were good, Lucy's father's lawyers could do anything they wanted.

"My Dad never touched Emily" Lucy stated quietly, looking at Buffy "I never let him, that's probably why he hurt me so badly. I protected her from him and on some levels I hated her for it. But I knew. And I know we need to stay together."

Buffy stared at the girl in front of her. She was wrong about comparing herself to Lucy. Lucy would never abandoned her sister even when she had been through so much. Buffy knew she had to do something to help Lucy and her family. She used to do it all the time.

"Who are your fathers lawyers?"

"Wolfram and Hart"

* * *

Buffy stared up at the building in awe. She had heard of this place, but she had never actually seen it and was beginning to feel like she was in way over her head. She promised Lucy that she would help, and despite her sudden rush of fear she planned on keeping her promise. 

She walked into the lobby and started toward the woman at the front desk.

"How can I help you?"

"My name is Joanne Sullivan, I'm Henry Sullivan's wife. I need to speak with his attorney" she said hoping that Lucy's father hadn't told his attorney that his wife was dead.

The woman nodded and smiled. "Take the elevator to the twenty second floor and take a right. Talk to the man at the desk and he will get you an appointment."

Buffy did as she was told. When she walked out of the elevator, familiarity hit her like a brick wall. There was something, a feeling similar to deja vu, but couldn't point it out exactly. It was something of her old life, something she was too far gone to remember.

"Actually your husband's lawyers are in court at the moment, but there is someone else I can have you talk to" the man said after she made her introduction.

He got up from his seat and led her to an office with thick oak doors. "Have a seat. We will be with you in a moment"

* * *

"Mr. Angel" 

"Yes" Angel said walking out of his meeting and on his way to his office.

"There is a woman in your office claiming to be Mr. Sullivan's wife"

"Isn't his wife dead?"

"Yes she is. Maybe you can find out what she is trying to gain by pretending to be Joanne Sullivan"

Angel just nodded as he made his way to his office. He opened the doors and noticed a small blonde woman sitting in front of his desk. He was surprised when she didn't turn around. He walked around to his desk and extended his hand.

"Hello Mrs. Sullivan, my name is . . . Buffy?"


	3. Lifetimes Apart

**A/N **Thanks for reviewing. And I don't know if this is going to be B/A or Spuffy. I'm not even sure if I'm going to have Buffy end up with anyone. I guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens.

* * *

Angel froze and his mind wouldn't work. All he could process was that Buffy was sitting in front on him. His Buffy. She was talking, but he couldn't hear her words. Everything seemed to stop and all he could focus on was her beating heart. 

"Hey, Earth to Angel." she said waiving a hand in front of his face.

"Who? What? How?" was all he managed to say.

Buffy rolled her eyes and sighed "Of all the places in the world, this was the last place I expected to see you"

Finally regaining his senses Angel ran over to Buffy and put his arms around her. To his surprise she didn't hug him bak, nor did she push him away. Sensing her discomfort he pulled away and looked at her puzzled.

"I'm not here for a big reunion. I'm alive, that's all you need to know. I'm here on business actually"

There was a hardness in her tone and demeanor that Angel had never seen in her before and he didn't like it.

"Buffy, I am so surprised and thrilled to see you alive, but you don't seem very surprised to see me. I can't believe you're here"

"Maybe I'm not. Maybe I'm some demon who wears Buffy's body, or a ghost. Did you ever think of that?"

"You're Buffy. I know it. But that doesn't answer my first question"

"Why aren't I surprised to see you? Honestly because I don't care. All it does is complicate my life further" As soon as the words left her mouth she saw how much they hurt him, but they were the truth. What seemed like lifetimes ago she would have done anything just to be with him, to have him hug her like he did moments ago. Now all she felt was pain for the old life that he represented "Now can we talk about why I came here? Because it's just as easy for me to go kill your client. I may be a little rusty, but you never forget how to grip a sword"

"Fine" Angel said sitting at his desk "Business"

"Your client, Henry Sullivan is trying to send his youngest daughter, Emily, to live with her grandparents. I know that Emily wants to stay with her older sister and Lucy is more than qualified to look after her little sister"

"That's what you came to me for? A domestic dispute?"

"I'm not kidding Angel. You couldn't understand what it's like. Just let the girl stay with her sister"

"Why are you so concerned with this case anyway?"

"I promised Lucy I would help. No matter what the cost is, I plan on doing just that"

"But-" Angel started before he was cut off by his phone, he sighed and picked it up "Hello"

"Hello, Angel. Giles here. I was wondering if you could do me a favor"

"Giles, how are you?" he said as a way of letting Buffy know who he talking to, hoping to get some response out of her. All she did was pretend to zip her lips. He took that as a sign not to tell Giles she was there.

"Not well, I'm afraid. We are having some trouble with a demon. A rather large one, actually. We cannot find any information on it and I was hoping you could help us out"

"Sure" Angel replied "Fax me a description of it and anything you have found. I'll contact you once I learn something"

"Thank you"

Angel hung up and looked at Buffy, who looked rather annoyed.

"Will you do it or not?"

"Fine"

"Thank you" she said without the faintest hint of emotion. She rose out of her chair and made her way to the door.

"You sound pretty content for someone who doesn't even know if her sister is alive or not"

"Is she alive?" she asked without turning around.

"Yes, but that's not the point"

"It's all I need to know" she stated and turned to face him "If you tell them, I"ll stake you"

* * *

"Hey Lucy, this is Buffy" 

"Did you talk to the lawyers?" the teen asked through the phone. Buffy could tell she was on the verge of tears.

"Yes. Your sister is staying in your care"

"Oh my God! Thank you so much. How did you do it?"

"I know people in high places. I know you will take good care of your sister"

"I will. I learned from my mom. She would do anything for us and I will do whatever it takes for my sister"

Whatever it takes. In that statement Buffy realized that it wasn't the Slayer that Dawn needed, it was her sister. Their mother had trusted Buffy to keep Dawn safe. Buffy had died for her sister and she realized that no matter what she had been through in the past seven years, she still loved Dawn and was ready to die for her again.

"Lucy, I'm not going to be able to meet with you for a while. There's something I just realized I had to do. If anything happens please call my cell. And thank you for helping me"

Buffy hung up and went to her room to grab her coat and the extra money she hid under a loose floorboard. For the first time in a long time she felt like the Slayer and she felt the fire that came with it.


	4. Some Things Never Change

**2010**

_London, England_

It was early next morning before Buffy reached London. She had called Angel to confirm her sister's whereabouts. Buffy had no intention of making herself known to the Scoobies. She was there to save Dawn, then disappear again. Now that Angel knew where she lived, she would have to move again, that is if this rescue mission didn't kill her"

* * *

**September 5, 2004**

_Watcher's Council_

"Buffy, I need you to go pick up a Slayer in Rome. Her name is August" Giles said handing the Slayer a file containing the new girl's information.

"But Willow's coming home from Brazil today and I wanted to be here when she got back. Can't you send Andrew?"

"He's in LA picking up Dana. Please Buffy"

"Fine, I'll do it, but only because you asked nicely" she said smiling. She hoped this girl wasn't hard to find. If she was lucky she could make it to Rome and back in time to meet Willow.

"One of these days I'm going to get you to do something for me without a sarcastic retort" he returned her smile.

"You just wait. If something goes wrong on this mission and I end up dead, you're going to wish you didn't say that" Buffy got up from her seat and grabbed a couple of stakes out of the cabinet. "See you later" she said walking out of the room.

Giles watched her go, still smiling "Some things never change"

* * *

**September 9, 2004**

_Rome_

Buffy had been searching for the new Slayer for days and she still had no leads. She had called Giles, but he was no help. August seemed to have just vanished. Her parents hadn't heard from her in two weeks and they even had the police searching for her.

She was beating up a local vamp trying to get any information, but he too had none to give her. Buffy dusted him and walked out of the alley in search for another.

"You want to know where the new Slayer is?"

Buffy turned at stared into the depths of the alley, but saw only shadows.

"Did your mother ever tell you that eavesdropping was rude?" she quipped, straining her eyes to see the figure.

"I know where the other Slayer is. Just follow me and I'll take you to her"

"Come on! This is so obviously a trap. Do you really expect me to buy this?"

"Her life is in your hands. If you don't come, she will die and she will only be the first"

* * *

**2010**

_London, England_

Dawn walked along the lake near the new Council Headquarters as she did every morning. It was still pretty early. The sun had not yet peaked over the horizon. She looked at her reflection in the water and barely recognized herself. She had dark circles under her eyes and realized that she hadn't slept or eaten much the past few days. None of them have. Stopping this new demon was really taking a toll on them all.

Dawn sighed and turned to make her way back to the Council and start researching some more on their new Big Bad. The farther along the trail she got the more of a feeling she had that she was being watched. At first she thought it was just her nerves, but she swore she heard the faintest rustle in the bushes.

She quickened her pace, almost at a run, until she hit something solid and slimy. Dawn hit the ground and landed hard on her right arm. She looked up and found herself staring at the gaping jaws of their new demon and screamed.

* * *

When Buffy reached the Watcher's Council, she was surprised at how large it had become. When they first started out, all those years ago, the building was no bigger than Sunnydale High. Now it had grown to the size of a large University campus. 

The difficult part was trying to find Dawn without being seen. Since it was still early she figured not many people would be up, including Dawn. Buffy decided to patrol around the area a few times, then sneak into the Council. She barely made it halfway around the campus when she heard a scream. She had heard Dawn scream enough to recognize it as her sister's.

"Some things never change" she said before taking of at a run toward to sound.


	5. Encounters

By the time Buffy reached her sister the demon had already done a lot of damage. Dawn was lying on the ground clutching at the wound on her abdomen. She and the ground were covered with blood. Just as the demon was about to make it's fatal blow, Buffy speared it, knocking it to the ground. She landed on top of the creature and punched it a few times in the face before it pushed her off. She rolled as it brought it's large foot down near her head.

As the fight progressed she was surprised how easily she slipped back into it. She was in pretty good shape and dusted the occasional vampire that tried to bite her, but she never been in a fight like the one she was in now. But as the demon picked her up and threw her to the grass, Buffy realized that she was still no match for this monster. The demon thrust his blood stained talons toward Buffy, letting instinct take over Buffy shot her leg out, breaking three of the demons talons. It howled in pain and stared at her. The Slayer got up and was about to charge, when the demon yelled again. Buffy stared at it confused as the demon retreated to the darkness of the forest.

She looked at the horizon and saw the rising sun. She figured it was like vampires and was not keen on sunlight. Buffy rushed over to her sister and examined her wounds. The injury to her stomach was severe and Dawn was losing a lot of blood. Buffy knew there wasn't time to get her to the Hospital, but the Council had to have some kind of infirmary.

"B-Buffy?"

The Slayer stared at her sister in shock, forgeting that the girl was still awake. For a moment Buffy was so scared that she almost took off running.

"Yeah, Dawnie. It's me" she said watching as her sister's expression turn from joy to confusion. "Listen you're going to be okay. You just need to tell me where you're infirmary is"

Dawn pointed to a small building that stood away from the rest of the Council. She faintly smiled at Buffy before dropping into unconciousness.

Buffy quickly grabbed Dawn and ran over to it. Inside there was a woman sitting at a desk looking over papers.

"Oh my . . . Dawn.What happened?" she asked in a British accent.

"Demon. She's lost a lot of blood"

"This way" the woman said running toward a small room. "Lay her on the bed, I'll go get the doctor"

Buffy did as the woman said and laid her sister softly on the bed. She looked around the room frantically and saw some gauze laying on the counter. She ran over to it then pressed it to Dawn's wound, trying to stop the bleeding.

"Call Mr. Giles and tell him that Ms. Summers is hurt. Also, tell him that there is a demon loose on the grounds" the doctor said rushing in to the room, followed by two nurses "Who are you?" he asked pushing Buffy aside.

"Is she going to be alright?" Buffy asked. For the first time since her ordeal in Rome she was actually afraid. Normally all she felt was numbness and anger, but now that Dawn's life was in danger the old Buffy was starting to resurface.

The doctor never answered her. He continued to work on Dawn, shouting orders to the nurses. Buffy didn't really comprhend any of it.

"Doctor she's lost a lot of blood, we need to get her to a real Hospital."

"You can't give her blood here?" Buffy asked.

"No, we're just a small medical facility. We don't carry blood"

"Take mine" she said taking off her jacket and rolling up her sleeve.

"We don't know if you're a match and only a family member can sign off on that"

"I'm her sister. I know we're a match"

"Impossible" a nurse said staring at her "Buffy Summers is dead"

"No Buffy Summers is alive. Now take my damn blood before a make you wish I was dead"

* * *

Buffy didn't even flinch when the doctor took the needle out of her arm. She just rolled down her sleeve and glared at him. She walked over to Dawn and watched the doctor put the IV in her arm. For years Buffy had been devoid of much emotion and she felt like an empty shell of a person, but staring down at the beaten body of her sister ignited something inside her. For the first time she felt remorse over leaving. 

"We did an emergency transfusion and were able to stabalize her. It may take awhile, but she will be fine"

"Thank you doctor" a familiar voice said from behind her.

Buffy froze. Giles. He was standing in the doorway to Dawn's room. But, Giles didn't seem to notice that she was there, or at least that it was her, after all he thought she died seven years ago.

* * *

"How did you find her?" Giles asked taking a step towards Dawn's body, then stepped back. Who was the woman with her? She had honey blonde hair and he sensed something familiar about her. 

"Someone brought her in and was able to give her blood. Without her Dawn would be dead"

Giles gave the man a questioning look, but the doctor only nodded in Buffy's direction. Giles could tell he was hiding something. The Watcher walked to the woman and put his hand on her shoulder.

"Thank you. You don't know how much Dawn means to me and many people here. We owe you a great debt"

"It wouldn't be the first time" Buffy said turning around to face him. Her face was blank and her heart was cold. She barely looked at him as she started to walk away.

Regaining his senses he ran over and stepped in front of her, blocking her exit. "Buffy?"

"Not the one you knew. Now get out of my way" she said shooting him a glance filled with such venom that she expected the Watcher to step back, but he didn't, he only returned her look.

"I should have known you would come back some day. Don't you _ever_ look like her. Change"

"Giles, I'm not the First" she said almost yelling, her anger rising.

"You expect me to believe that?"

She raised her fist then punched him in the face, feeling her knuckles hit the soft flesh of his forehead. He stared at her as realization dawned on his face. Then his face became a mask of fear.

Buffy's eyes grew wide. He was _scared_ of her. The look in his eyes chilled her to the bone. In the past seven years, she had seen that look in the eyes of many teenagers, but she had never been the person to cause it. The part that scared her was that half of her didn't care. Some part of her was happy that he was afraid of her. In that moment she realized that she was starting to become the one thing that she feared the most. She was starting to become the person that put that look in her eyes.

Buffy turned away from Giles and ran. Once she got outside she ran back to where she found Dawn and just keep running. Past the pond, past the big Oak tree, past everything she remembered about this place. She finally stopped when she tripped over a rock embedded in the dirt. She hit the ground hard on her knees and found herself staring at a large rectangular slab of granite in the grass. Written there were words she never thought she'd have to read.

"Buffy Summers

1981-2003

A True Hero"

Hero? Was that what she was? The past seven years flashed in her mind, including the look in Giles' eyes and what she had become. She burst into tears.


	6. Sins of the Past

**A/N **Thanks to everyone who has reviewed. I hope you are all enjoying the story do far. I hope everyone had a nice Christmas or a happy holiday.

* * *

**2003**

_Rome_

Buffy followed the stranger cautiously. She didn't trust him, but if what he said was true, she had to save the new Slayer. Though she never regretted what she did to defeat the First, she always felt an obligation to the new Slayers to make sure their lives never got too crazy. The last thing she wanted to do was put these girl's through what she had gone through over her many years of slaying. Very few had died since Willow's spell and Sunnydale, but each time they did she felt like she was responsible since she got them into this.

The man in front of her stopped and turned to Buffy "That way" he said pointing down an alley "It's the only door on the right"

"After you"

"That's not part of the deal. If I go in there, they'd kill me"

"What makes you think I won't?" she asked hefting her stake.

"I'm human. Last time I checked you don't kill humans" he said before turning away from her and walking out of sight.

She took a deep breath before continuing down the alley. It stank of garbage and death. She even saw splatters of blood on the concrete and walls. Buffy studied her surroundings, looking for a quick escape route or traps that the young girl's alleged captors may have set.

When she opened the door she was greeted by the darkness of the building. It seemed void of life except for the thick smell of blood. From what Buffy could see the building used to be some kind of warehouse. It was mostly just space, save for a conveyor belt and boxes.

As she walked deeper into the warehouse she could hear faint clanking of metal, then screaming. She ran toward the noise. It was coming from a little room towards the back of the building. Buffy opened the door and saw a man holding a knife and a bloody girl changed to the wall by her wrists and her legs were tied together with rope. The man turned to her and smiled.

"I wondered how long it would take you to get here" he said before slitting the girl's throat.

* * *

**2010**

_Watcher's Council_

The sun was beginning to set by the time Buffy pulled herself together enough to realize that it was starting to rain. She realized that she had been sitting there for hours, finally allowing herself to grieve. It had been the first time that she actually gave into the grief she had lived with since what happened in Rome seven years ago.

The Slayer picked herself up from the ground and started back to the Council. She had no idea what she was going to do now. Part of her just wanted to rebuild her life with the Scoobies, but the more rational part oh her knew that could never happen. But she knew she had to find out why they never came for her or what really happened when they thought she died. She needed that knowledge to go on with her life.

When she reached the medical facility where Dawn was being held, it was dark. The moonlight had cast shadows around her body and in her mind. She pushed open the door and walked up the nurse who she had dealt with earlier.

"Back again?" she asked, slightly surprised to see the Slayer.

"How's Dawn?"

"Recovering quite nicely. Your enhanced Slayer blood is helping her heal faster."

"Can I see her?"

"Go ahead"

There was a tone to her voice that made Buffy suspicious about walking into Dawn's room. She anticipated the questions Dawn might have for her and she wrestled with telling Dawn the truth or making something up. Buffy took a deep breath and walked into her sisters room. She saw Dawn propped up in her bed staring out the window at the falling rain. She didn't react when Buffy entered the room.

"Dawnie?" Buffy asked barely able to get the word out.

Dawn's head snapped to Buffy. She watched as Dawn struggled to keep her emotions in. Buffy was surprised that her sister didn't try to get out of her bed and hug her. That's what she would have done a long time ago.

"How are you back?"

"I-I don't know" she said flatly. She was about to make a sarcastic remark, but she didn't want to upset Dawn and she wasn't ready to tell her sister the truth. "Are you feeling okay?" she asked instead.

Dawn looked down at her bandaged stomach and nodded "Yeah. I guess I owe that to you" she didn't say anything else and turned her attention back toward the window. Buffy turned to leave feeling Dawn's reluctance to talk to her. It was stupid of Buffy to think that her sister would just accept her. It was probably better that she and Dawn didn't talk much considering that she was going to leave soon, but not before she got her answers.

* * *

"Are you sure it was really her?" Willow asked from her seat in front of Giles. She and Xander had just flown in to surprise Giles with a visit. Instead it was Giles who had a surprise for them. 

"Well the bruise on my forehead assures us that it is not the First. But as much as I want to believe it, I'm not convinced it's the Buffy we knew"

"What did she say? I don't understand how this could happen. Who brought her back?" Xander asked. He always dreamed that this would happen, that he could have his best friend back, but he was trying not to get too hopeful in the event that it wasn't really Buffy.

"At first she was angry, but after she hit me she was . . . regretful. I'm not sure, I must admit by that point I was in shock. But the fact that she is back is impossible right? The last Urn of Osiris was destroyed when Buffy was last resurrected."

"The last _known_ Urn of Osiris was, but we can't know if there was another one or not. But she saved Dawn from our Big Bad correct? Buffy used to do that all the time, so it has to be her right?"

"I don't know Will" Xander said looking at the Witch "Believe me I would love nothing more than to have Buffy back, but just because she saved Dawn doesn't make it her. She's been dead for seven years, she could just as well be a ghost"

"A ghost who punches people" came a voice from behind them "Didn't think that one through, did you Xand?"

All eyes turned to look at Buffy. Xander was the first to rise to his feet. He took a step towards her and was about to speak, but Willow beat him to it.

"Is it really you?"

Buffy raised her eyebrow "More or less" she watched as Xander came towards her and enveloped her in a hug, closely followed by Willow. She stiffened in their grasp and pushed them away.

"Don't" she said becoming angry "You can't just hug me and make everything okay. It doesn't work that way" She realized she was yelling as she stared at the shocked faces of her friends.

"Buffy what's wrong?" Willow asked, near tears.

"What's wrong?" she echoed while laughing "What's wrong? Oh you don't want to know"

"Something's obviously wrong with you" Giles said staring at her "Tell us so we can help you"

"Isn't something always wrong with Buffy? And you have already helped enough, actually. Don't pretend to care and don't pretend to understand me. You don't know me"

"Please just tell us _something_. God, Buffy, we love you so much. And we've missed you so much. You died seven years ago. We just want to understand how your back"

" It's really simple. I was never dead"


	7. Over the Edge

**September 15, 2003**

_Rome_

Buffy screamed as the man grabbed her index finger and bent it too far back, breaking it. The sound was hollow and ragged in her ears. She figured she had been here a week, time was hard to keep track of when you were being tortured. Buffy was covered in blood from the various wounds on her body. The man that tortured her was some kind of warlock. He didn't just use physical abuse, but he used magick on her too.

"I know you're in pain. You know how to make the pain stop, just tell me how you activated the Slayers" he said walking over to a table and grabbing a carving knife.

Buffy kept her mouth shut. The Scythe was a powerful and dangerous tool that in the wrong hands could cause devastating events to happen, such as killing all the Slayers. Willow had done some more research on it over the past few months and they were trying to find a way to destroy it, but had no such luck yet. She was praying that someone would come for her soon. The Scoobies and other Slayers would have come for her days ago when she didn't call Giles. They would be here. She just had to stay strong until they came.

* * *

**September 15, 2003 **

_Watcher's Council_

Giles sat at his desk, staring at the solemn faces of Dawn and Andrew.

"I just got off the phone with Willow in Rome. She has tried every spell she knows of trying to locate Buffy, but she has had no luck. She, Xander, Faith, and the other Slayers have no leads as to where Buffy might be. They found August's body in a Dumpster, but no signs of Buffy" he said sighing. She had been missing for almost a week and he feared the worst. Xander and Willow had rushed to Rome when she didn't call on the tenth. Since then most of their personnel were out trying to locate her.

"Let me call Spike and Angel. They can help us" Andrew said. He had just returned from LA two days ago and had told Giles about Spike immediately.

"As much as I would hate to do it I think you're right. Call h-" he was cut off by shrill ringing of his phone "Hello" he said hoping that it was someone with news about Buffy.

"Giles, it's Anna"

Giles stiffined. Anna was a seer in a coven. She had told them of August's death. "You have news?"

"I'm , so sorry Rupert. Buffy is dead."

The phone fell from his grasp and the blood drained from his face. Dead? He had feared this outcome all along, but he would never actually let himself believe that it could end that way.

"Giles, what's wrong?" Dawn asked, histeria edging into her voice like she already knew the answer.

"S-She's dead"

* * *

**2010**

_Watcher's Council_

"What?" Xander asked softly.

"You heard me. Whoever told you I died was lying"

"I don't understand. W-Where have you been the past seven years?" Willow asked as tears started to fall.

"Everywhere. New York, recently" she replied casually.

"What happened in Rome. We searched for you for days"

"How hard did you look? I'm sure you heard the screaming" they all stared at her, confused. Buffy could feel her blood boiling. She wanted them to know how badly scarred she was, physically and mentally.

"Everyone looked for you. We had at least sixty people and Willow did every spell she knew" Xander said matching Buffy's anger "How can you say we didn't look hard enough?"

"Why didn't you contact us? We found August's body. I can't believe you never told us she was killed" Willow had so many questions and had so many emotions coursing through her. Seeing Buffy was the last thing she expected, but finding out Buffy was never dead made Willow extremely happy and angry.

"Buffy do you know how much pain we've been through since we thought you died. Everyday for the past seven years has gone through that"

"Xander, do you know what it feels like to have every bone in your body broken? Or to sit in a pool of your own blood everyday for four months? Or to be in so much pain your numb?" Buffy asked visibly flinching at the memories.

"No, but what's that ha-"

"I do"

They all stared at her bewildered. They seemed like they understood what she said, but they couldn't bring themselves to believe it. The looked on the verge of breaking down, she just had to push them over the edge.

"The reason I never came back was because I was held captive in an old meat packing warehouse for four months. Four months of torture. You want to know why I'm not the Buffy you knew? Because she died seven years ago" she turned her back to them. She couldn't let them see her cry. "You abandoned me. You left me there, without proof I was dead. You did this to me" she said lifting up the back of her shirt to reveal a variety of scars. She heard Willow gasp and Giles whisper 'Good Lord' . " I had hope that one day someone I loved would come rescue me. Sometimes hope can be the worst thing in this world."


	8. Console Me

Buffy knew it was a bad idea coming here. She should have left as soon as she saved Dawn. Now that the Scoobies knew the truth, they would never stop looking for her, and right now all she wanted was to be left alone. Actually she wanted things to be like they were in Sunnydale. They had their disputes in the past, but always in the end they loved each other. They were a family. Now all they are is a group of people that still love each other, but they were strangers.

As many times as she cursed their names, Buffy stilled loved them. She knew that they had never stopped loving her. By now everyone in the room was in tears. Buffy wanted to run, to hide like she had before, but she couldn't move. They stood in silence, for almost an eternity before Xander walked up to her.

"My God, Buffy" he said wrapping his arms around her. He didn't care how much she struggled against him, he intended to keep her here until they worked this out. To his surprise she didn't try to get out of his grasp. She put her arms around his neck and sobbed into his shirt.

When she finally pulled away her eyes were red and puffy. She looked past Xander to Willow and Giles who stood only a few feet away waiting for Buffy to make her next move. She looked back at Xander, his face a mask of concern. Buffy turned and ran out of the room, overwhelmed. She had spent the past seven years resenting these people for never coming for her, but all of her resentment melted away when Xander held her in his arms. It was the most loved she had felt in seven years. She ran down a corridor and down a flight of stairs before she felt that they were not following her. She leaned against a wall to catch her breath, then slid down it, getting lost in her emotions once again.

* * *

"We should go after her" Xander said, almost out the door, closely followed by Giles.

"No" Willow said, calming herself "She needs space"

The boys looked annoyed, but they complied, walking back into the office. "But how do we know she won't leave?" Xander asked.

"We don't. But Buffy's on the verge of a total meltdown. If we crowd her, she'll run away again" Willow said holding her head in her hands.

"We should go check on Dawn" Giles said suddenly remembering the youngest Summers. "Don't tell her what we learned about Buffy, it would only upset her more.

* * *

"How are you feeling, Dawn?" Giles asked as he took of his glasses to clean them. Dawn thought he looked very preoccupied. She figured it was the whole Buffy situation.

"Better. But very very confused."

"As are we " he said sighing.

"But, hey, good news" Willow said attempting to be cheery "The doctor said they might release you tomorrow"

If Dawn was happy about the news she didn't show it. Willow looked over to Xander and gave him her 'I tried' look. He smiled at her sadly. Though Dawn didn't show it, they all knew she was completely overwhelmed by Buffy's return. Xander prayed that the news of Buffy's real situation wouldn't phase the woman too badly. But he knew it would.

"I know there is something you guys aren't telling me. I'll find out sooner or later."

"Sorry if we're all a bit sidetracked. Seeing Buffy just really . . . affected us" Willow said trying to look reassuring, but she failed hopelessly "We're just trying to figure it all out"

"Have you talked to her yet?"

"No" Giles told her. He knew she would be very upset at them for lying to her, but he knew it was the right thing to do. For now Dawn had to focus on getting better. "We should go and give you some time to rest.

They said their goodbyes and went their separate ways. They each needed time to deal on their own. They all also had business that they needed to catch up on.

* * *

Buffy was surprised how easily she was able to get around the Council. She was searching for her old room. She was looking for a place to sleep and that was the first place she thought of. But she expected someone to have already moved into it.

Buffy was surprised when she still saw her name on the door. The Slayer slowly opened it and found it in the same condition it was when she left it. There wasn't even any dust or cobwebs.

She sat on the edge of the bed letting her memories take over. After Sunnydale she remembered sitting in this very spot mourning Spike. Willow was there for her the whole time. Every time she wanted to talk or just cry, Willow was always there. She picked up the picture she had of them when the were in high school. She stared at it wondering what it was like for them when they thought she had died.

Buffy didn't have to dwell on it too long because there was a knock on her door. She walked over and opened it cautiously. Willow was standing there holding blue sheets.

"I brought these for you in case you wanted to stay. The other ones are kind of old"

Buffy nodded and took the sheets from the witch. She walked over and laid the on the bed, leaving Willow standing in the doorway.

"Well, goodnight then"

"Why is my room, still my room?" Buffy asked as Willow was about to turn.

"We never could bring ourselves to clean it out. I guess we figured that you might come back someday. Xander and I used to come sit in here and talk about the old days. We'd go through pictures and things. I guess Dawn still comes in here since it's still clean."

Buffy only nodded. She stared at Willow standing in the hallway. "Can you help me put these on?"

Willow smiled walking in and closing the door. They worked silently, pulling off the old linens and adding the new ones. When they were done Willow stood by the window not sure what to do. Buffy just sat back down on the bed. The witch was about to say good night for the second time and leave, but Buffy beat her to it.

"Do you have any bandages?"

"Are you hurt?"

"It's only a scratch. I think it's starting to heal, but I don't want to bleed all over the new sheets"

"I have a first aid kit in my room. I'll be right back."

Willow returned moments later with bandages and antiseptic ointment.

"How'd you get hurt?" she asked trying to make conversation.

"Big slimy demon when I saved Dawn, it slashed me on the stomach and across my back."

"Do you want me to help you put the bandages on?" She asked watching as Buffy nodded. The Slayer took off her jacket and raised her shirt, exposing the gashes across her lower back and stomach. Willow tried to suppress a gasp when she saw the scars that were also there. She quickly applied the ointment and wrapped the bandage across Buffy's abdomen.

When she was done she looked like she was about to cry.

"Will, please don't. I-If you start, then I'm going to start and I don't think there are any tears left in me."

"I can't help it. And I know this is going to sound incredible stupid, but I am so sorry. I love you so much" she reached over and hugged her long lost friend.

"I love you too" Buffy said. She was surprised that she was able to get the words out. Maybe it wasn't such a bad idea coming here. She was starting to find what she didn't know she was looking for.


	9. Falling to Normal

**A/N **Happy New Year! Thanks for the reviews and don't worry, this story is just getting started.

**January 14, 2004**

_Rome_

The past couple of days, Buffy had noticed her captor was becoming sluggish. It occurred to her that in the time she had been here, she had never learned his name. It also occurred to her that she had no idea how long she had been in this place. She could only keep track of the days for the first week or two, but after that when she slipped into unconsciousness, she had no way to tell how long she had been out.

Buffy didn't know what caused the sudden change in him, but the Slayer was glad for it. A while ago she noticed that the chains on her wrists were starting to rust due to the constant blood on them. Whenever the warlock wasn't looking she would pull on the chains, trying to break free . Buffy was getting close and if her captor stayed in his state, it would make her escape a lot easier.

* * *

**2010**

_Watcher's Council_

Buffy awoke to the bright rays of sunlight streaming through her window. It took her a moment to register where she was. She remembered talking with Willow for hours. It was strange, but comforting. There was a large space between them, though the more they talked the more Buffy noticed hints of their old relationship. It was odd to her that she had resented them for so many years, but now the more time she spent with them the more the resentment melted away.

The Slayer thought about getting dressed and going to see her sister, but she wasn't ready for that yet. She knew Giles and the others didn't tell Dawn about Buffy's situation, but she still wasn't sure how to face her sister. She'd probably try and find Xander or Willow and find if she could help with anything. Maybe she'd sneak into one of the Slayer classes and see what they were teaching them.

Buffy had made her way halfway down the hall when she bumped into a small man wearing a funny outfit.

"Sorry" she mumbled bending down to help him pick up his fallen papers.

"My fault. I wasn't looking where I was gaahhh." Andrew screamed as he stared into the green eyes of the woman in front of him.

"Andrew" Buffy chuckled. He didn't appear to have changed from the last time she saw him.

"F-Faith!" he screamed as he started to back away from her.

Buffy just rolled her eyes as she saw Faith jog toward them.

"What do you want Andrew?"

He just pointed in Buffy's direction, unable to speak. Buffy felt the other Slayer's gaze move to her. Faith stood in shock for a moment before she cursed.

"Get Giles" she said turning to Andrew "T-Tell him that the First is back" But Andrew stayed next to her. Buffy knew that Andrew knew she wasn't the First. He was touching the small bump on his head from when they bumped into each other.

"My God! Why do you all think I'm the First? Do you use it as an excuse for everything?"

"You can't deny it. How do you expect just to walk in here in the form of our dead friend?"

"Faith" Andrew squeaked.

"This is going to be worth it" Buffy said raising her fist and punching the Slayer in the face, in the same way she had done with Giles. Faith staggered, taken off guard. She was about to say something when Andrew pushed passed her and gave Buffy a bear hug.

"You're back!" he said as she pushed him off of her "Deja vu, except your not Spike and you've been gone longer"

Did he say Spike? She dismissed his comment, this was Andrew after all. He tended to make a lot of things up. She turned her attention back to Faith who still looked shocked. Their old relationship was awkward at most, but in the few months they had been together in England they had become friends. Buffy smiled to herself. It didn't look like Faith changed a bit. Her dark hair was still long and she wore black jeans, a leather jacket, and a red tank top.

By the look on the other Slayer's face, Buffy figured Faith still wasn't allowing herself to believe that it was really her.

"I'm gonna go find Willow or Xander. I'll leave you two to whatever you do"

Faith watched Buffy walk off. It seemed like Buffy and she could feel the Slayer connection, but something just seemed off about the other Slayer.

"Way to scare her off" Andrew chided.

Faith just glared at him, then took one final look in the direction Buffy retreated to.

"We need to talk to Giles."

* * *

**May 22, 2004 **

_Watcher's Council_

"Why didn't you tell us about this sooner" Spike growled as he stared at the Watcher.

"I'm telling you now"

"W-We could have helped. You should have called when she went missing." Angel said as tears started to well in his eyes.

"I'm sorry, but it's over. As much as it kills me to say it, Buffy is dead. There isn't anything we can do about it."

"She's not dead" Spike said angrily "I know it. You should know it too."

Angel looked up at him, silently pleading with the other vampire to stop. As Spike looked back and forth between Giles and Angel he became angrier.

"So you just get information from some psychic that Buffy's bit the big one? You just stop looking for her just because some bint says so?"

"I have no reason to doubt her" Giles looked down trying to hide from the vampire's piercing gaze.

"You left her" Spike continued, tears falling down his face "I won't."

He grabbed his duster and headed out of the office. He knew he was being foolish. But something inside him was screaming at him to try. Buffy was most likely dead, but he knew he could never go on without knowing for sure.

* * *

**2010**

_Watcher's Council_

"We can't ask her Giles. At least not yet."

"I know that" he sighed "But we have to know where she was being held. When you talked last night did say anything about that or did she mention who her captor was?"

"No. We talked about the Council mostly. I wasn't going to go there."

"But what is he's not dead?"

"He's dead" came a familiar British voice from the doorway. Giles and Willow turned around to see the speaker.

Spike.


	10. Savior

_A/N Thanks for the reviews everyone. Since school and soccer has started again my updates won't be as frequent, but I'll update as often as I can. Thanks for reading and reviews are always appreciated. _

"Spike?" Willow gasped as she saw the vampire standing in the doorway.

Spike walked into the room, closing the door behind him. He suddenly stopped, sniffing the air "She's been here, hasn't she?"

Giles barely nodded. They had all presumed the vampire was dead since they hadn't heard from him in so long. The Watcher was surprised that Spike didn't register much shock knowing Buffy was somewhere in the building.

"Knew she was alive all along. I recall telling you as much"

"I wished I had believed you"

"We all do" Xander said appearing from behind Spike.

"Xander close the door" Willow ordered frantically. She didn't want to news of Buffy's situation leaking to the whole Council. She also wanted to make sure Buffy didn't hear any of their conversation. "Where have you been?" she turned her attention back to the bleached blonde.

"Everywhere, long story short"

"Spike, if you don't mind we'd like to hear the long version."

Spike glared at the Watcher before him "Are you sure you're ready for that Rupert?" Spike got his answer when Giles just glared back at him. "You're choice, but just remember I warned you."

He paused pulling out a pack of cigarettes, lighting one.

"Well when I first left here I went to Rome. I was in the middle of beating this vampire for information when this guy walked up. I knew he was human, but unfortunately for him he didn't know I wasn't. He led me to this alley next to an old meat packing warehouse. It stank of blood and death. I went inside, then I could smell the faintest hint of her blood. I followed it until I reached this little room. Back when the factory was still in use it was probably an office. This place was wretched." he said softly. He was staring into space as if seeing the memories play out in his mind. Spikes mouth became dry and his eyes started to brim with tears.

"It was overwhelming. H-Her blood was everywhere. There was too much for anyone, even a Slayer, to survive. If it wasn't for the steady heartbeat of a little blond girl in the room I would have thought she was dead. When I walked in a saw a man standing over the unconscious figure of the girl. We got into fight, I knocked him out and chained him to the wall. When I went over to the girl, I found out it wasn't Buffy. Just some poor girl that got stuck in the middle."

Willow was starting to feel sick. Spike's story so far had unnerved her and she knew that the worst was yet to come. The vampire looked shaken up and the witch didn't take that as a good sign. When she looked at the two other men their faces were pale. She figured that was pretty close to how she looked.

"I freed the girl and waited until the warlock woke up. He had a lot of power, probably enough to rival Red here" he said nodding his head toward Willow " When he came to I asked him about Buffy. He told me how she escaped and that he was going to find her sooner or later. He'll never get the chance now."

"How do you know he's dead?" Giles asked after clearing his throat. Spike had surprised him on many occasions, but he was never prepared for what the vampire was about to say.

"I snapped his neck."

The three people stared at him in shock. It had been a long time since Spike willingly killed anyone. This new revelation chilled them to the bone. It also reminded them of who William the Bloody really was.

"Spike he was human. You killed a human being." Willow said hoping the vampire would correct her, tell her it was actually a demon. But it wasn't only the knowledge that Spike killed a human that scared her it was the fact that a human could do something so evil.

"I did what I knew was right. That man tortured Buffy for _months_. You have no idea what she went through, how much he hurt and scarred her. And neither do I, but I have a good idea. See even after all that, Buffy couldn't take the life of a human, no matter how evil he was. I may have a soul, but I'm still a vampire. I'm still a monster."

They sat there in silence reflecting on what Spike just said. A few hours ago Willow thought she knew what Buffy had gone through. Now she was realizing was that all she knew were just the basic facts. Buffy talked little about her ordeal and Willow was glad for it because she wasn't sure if she could handle knowing much more about it.

There was a loud knock on the door that made Willow jump. She looked to Xander and mouthed 'Buffy'. He nodded and moved Spike to a door that led into another room. Xander quietly told him to stay put. The vampire didn't look pleased, but he complied. Xander moved back into Giles' office just as Giles was about to let Buffy in.

Xander was surprised when he saw Faith and Andrew come running in. He breathed a sigh of relief.

"You are not going to believe this" Faith said quickly "Buffy just punched me in the face."

"She does that a lot lately" Giles commented, touching the slight bump on his forehead.

"Buffy" Faith repeated "Buffy who, the last time I checked, was dead."

"We know Faith, sit down" Giles said gesturing to the chair in front of his desk "Buffy has been back for a couple of days. It's a long and complicated story and I'll fill you in shortly, but right now there are a few other things we need to take care of. Xander fetch Spike, will you?"

"I can hear you, you know" Spike said opening the door "Vampire hearing, plus this walls are really thin"

Giles rolled his eyes trying to find a good place to pick up the conversation.

"Listen." Spike said "You have a lot of things to catch up on. I want to go find Buffy"

"No, Spike" Xander replied, but he didn't move to stop the vampire. No one did.


	11. Exhale

_A/N Thanks for the reviews. You are all awesome! The song is called What I Really Meant to Say by Cyndi Thomson._

Spike closed the door to the Watcher's office and exhaled. His facade melted away at the thought of actually seeing Buffy. The vampire tried to act like he was fine in front of the Slayer's friends, tried to act like he knew she was alive all along. The rational part of him wished she wasn't. If she was really alive that meant that she really had to go through months of torture and he couldn't describe how much that tore him up inside. But on the other selfish hand, Buffy was alive. She was close, he could feel it.

Each day he had spent looking for her he dreamed of what it would be like to hold her again, for both of them to be more or less alive and now that he was on his way to see her, he was terrified. What would he say? 'I thought you were dead and you thought I was dead, but you're not and I . . . well am, but I'm not in Hell, so what now?' He chuckled at the thought, which caught the attention of a passing Slayer. He watched her stare at him while he turned the corner. He yelped, taken off guard, when he bumped into something. Now he found himself staring into the eyes of another Slayer.

"Spike"

"Buffy "

They stood there rooted to the floor. Both as surprised to see the other, even though one knew the other was already alive. Spike watched as the Slayer's face registered shock then confusion. He tried to speak, but no words came out.

_It took me by surprise_

_When I saw you standing there_

_Close enough to touch_

_Breathing the same air_

"H-How are you?" was all he managed to get out. He couldn't believe how ludicrous the question was. She looked like she was about to cry, but her face became emotionless.

"Alright. You?" she asked putting up her wall. That was how she learned to deal with people since Rome. She knew it was just masking the fear inside her, but it was all she knew how to do. Spike was standing in front of her. Years ago she watched the light as it coursed through his body and looked on as Sunnydale collapsed around him, and here he was now asking her how she was.

_You asked me how I'd been_

_I guess that's when I smiled _

_And said just fine_

_Oh, but baby I was lying_

They fell silent once again. Buffy wished she could think of something to say that didn't sound stupid. It broke her heart to see the look on Spike's face. He looked defeated. If she hadn't had so much practice on hiding her emotions she was sure she would look the same way. It surprised her that seeing him didn't affect her as much as it should have. It was like part of her expected him to come back one day. His eyes bore into hers and she wanted to melt. She wanted to be assured that everything could work out.

_What I really meant to say_

_Is that I'm dying her inside_

_I miss you more each day_

_There's not a night I haven't cried_

_And baby here's the truth_

_I'm still in love with you_

He gave her a small nod, knowing that he blew his chance.

"I uh I need to go check on Dawn." she said giving him a small smile before turning to leave. He shook his head. How could things have gone so wrong? Maybe seven years was too long of a time. Or maybe her ordeal affected her more than he could imagine. Most likely he was a fool for thinking this would be easy.

_As you walked away_

_The echo of my words_

_Cut just like a knife_

_Cut so deep it hurt_

_I held back the tears_

_Held onto my pride_

_And watched you go_

_I wonder if you'll ever know_

What was he to do now? The vampire thought it would be best to give her space. She would come to him when she was ready. But what if she didn't feel the same way he did? Did she ever feel the same way he did? It would be a question answered on another day. He exhaled and turned to leave in the opposite direction.

_What I really meant to say_

_Is that I'm really not that strong_

_I miss you more each day_

_I'm still holding on_

_And here's the honest truth_

_I'm still in love with you_

He paused and looked down the hallway she turned into. Pride be damned. This would be his only chance to tell her what he needed to say. He couldn't hold on to false hopes any longer. He wouldn't be able to move on, the past seven years the vampire learned it was impossible to move on after Buffy, but at least he would know. And then he would give her all the space she needed.

He took off at a run towards his Slayer.

* * *

As she walked Buffy tried to make sense of the jumbled thoughts going through her mind. The thought that stuck out the most was 'missed opportunities'. She had more than her share of those in her life. She knew that she should have said something to Spike before walking off. Now he probably thought she wanted nothing to do with him, which was the farthest from the truth. 

She was scared. Scared of the feeling she found that she still had for him. They were buried deep inside since the day he died, but being so close to him brought everything rushing back. She stopped walking and turned around. It was like her feet were no longer taking instructions from her brain, but instead from her heart.

She started to run in the direction she had come, hoping the vampire hadn't gotten far.


	12. Escape

**January 17, 2004**

_Rome_

Buffy had worn her chains down to almost nothing. One more pull and they would snap, freeing her hands. Now all she was waiting for was her opportunity. The Slayer figured her best bet was to catch her captor off guard, so she had to pick the perfect time.

He was mumbling something about pain and mind games as he came at her with a knife. She didn't struggle as he walked closer to her. Without saying a word he stabbed her in the arm, just above her elbow. She screamed as loud as she could, but not out of pain. True, it hurt like yell, but she made the noise to cover up the sound of her chains snapping. His back was to her as she pulled the knife out of her arm and used it to cut the ropes on her legs.

She stood up shakily. Since she had not used her legs in so long she imaged she looked like a fawn taking it's first steps. Careful not to make a sound she walked closer to the man, his back still turned to her. Seizing the opportunity she plunged the knife into his arm, roughly the same spot where he had stabbed her.

"See how you like it," she said as he screamed in pain and shock. He turned to her and she met him with a hard right hook. He fell to the ground taken aback by her escape. She got on top of him and kept punching him, releasing her anger and grief.

After awhile, when his face was bruised and bloody, she stopped. She took a another knife off the table and had it pointed at his heart. Something in the back of her mind was yelling at her to stop. She couldn't believe that her conscience was not allowing her to take his life. He took her blood, confidence, and hope, but she would not let him kill her or what she stood for.

So instead of killing him she would have to settle for leaving him chained up. She dragged him over to the pair of chains sitting next to her broken ones and tied him up. She knew that one of his followers would come for him eventually. That's why she planned on making as much room between her and him as possible. She thought of her empty future as she staggered out of the building.

* * *

**2010**

_Watcher's Council_

Buffy didn't have to go far before she met up with the vampire, who was also chasing after her. They stood staring at each other, both wanting to speak, but both mesmerized by the look in each other's eyes.

Buffy leaned in and kissed him. Spike returned her kiss without hesitation. For the first time in seven years it made her feel like a normal girl. She didn't have to worry about her past, her pain, or the dreams that haunted her sleep. All she had to focus on was the passion between her and Spike. It was strong and in her eyes, the way her life should be.

"Hey Dawnie" Willow said walking into the girl's room. Giles had just finished signing the paperwork from the Doctor and they had listened to his speech on how to take care of Dawn. "We get to take you home now."

Dawn smiled. She was starting to get tired of laying in bed all day. She scanned the room and didn't see Buffy. She frowned and looked to Willow.

"So where's Buffy?" she asked, a failed attempt at sounding like she didn't care.

"Probably in her room. She needs some adjusting time. We're trying to give her some space."

Dawn nodded, dropping the subject. The doctor came in with a wheelchair to take her back to her room. She thought that when she was in her own room and feeling better Buffy might come by to see her. Dawn figured her sister was just giving her time to heal. That was better than thinking that the sister she knew was truly lost.

* * *

**January 17, 2004**

_Rome_

The sun blinded Buffy as it beat down on her. She had to squint as she half ran half hobbled down the busy streets of Rome. She received weird looks from people on the streets. Many tried to stop her asking if she was okay. She imaged her appearance was frightening. Her clothes were tattered, torn, and stained with blood. She also imaged that she smelled foul. Blood and dirt, mixed with vomit and human waste.

Buffy was starting to feel the effects of blood loss and weak muscles and she started to slow down. All she was running on was fear and determination. Before she even realized what happened she collapsed in front of a small restaurant. People gathered around her as she faintly heard one man shout something in Italian.

* * *

She woke up later staring at the white ceiling of a hospital room. The soft bed she was lying in seemed foreign to her. Buffy looked to her right and heard soft beeping of machines that were monitoring her vitals. She tried to get up, but found she was too weak to. 

"Hello" she called softly. Her voice sounded hollow in her ears. She looked to the door, but found no one.

"Hello!" she called a bit louder, her voice raspy from constant screaming.

This time a nurse came to her door, looking at her in shock.

"Doctor. Doctor!" she called in heavy accented English.

An older man walked in and stared at her in admiration. "We didn't think you would wake up so soon." he said checking her monitors.

"H-How did I get here?"

"You collapsed in the street. You were brought by ambulance. Honestly I'm surprised you're still alive."

"Why?"

"Well Miss . . .?" he questioned.

"Summers" she answered.

"Miss Summers you have massive blood loss, a result from the numerous wounds on your body, you have some internal bleeding, and many infections. You are also extremely malnourished and have some second degree burns."

"Is any of that fatal?"

"Well we've stopped the bleeding and we are giving you blood. We are treating the infections, but you will have major scarring. Now I know you are in a bad state, but I do have to ask you a few questions." he said taking a seat in front of her bed. He nodded at the nurse who shut the door and left the room.

"How did this happen to you?"

Buffy just stared at him. Right now he had too many questions that she couldn't answer. The Slayer knew she wouldn't get out of this place without answering his questions, but that didn't mean she had to answer them now.

"Who did this too you?"

She continued to say nothing as she sighed.

"Fine. We'll talk about it later. Do you have any family I can call?"

"Not anymore."


	13. Conversations

_A/N Thanks to everyone who reviewed and sorry it took me so long to get this chapter up._

Buffy and Spike sat in comfortable silence on her bed. She had so many questions for him and she presumed he had a lot for her.

"When did you get back? How?" she asked looking towards him.

"The amulet brought me back. It wasn't too long after we destroyed Sunnydale, actually." he said glancing at her. He hoped that the news of his sudden return didn't anger her and it didn't appear that it did.

"What'd you do after?"

"Well I was incorporeal for a while. Fought the good fight in LA for a while. Most recently I've been searching for you?"

"Did you not get the memo that I was dead?"

"Yeah. Didn't believe it though," he laughed softly "I went to Rome, then I knew for sure you weren't dead. Went all 'round the soddin world looking for you. Then I ended up here."

She flinched slightly when he mentioned Rome. He was trying to side step the deals, trying not to bring back her memories. For the first time he looked at the woman sitting across from him, really looked at her. From what he could see her physical appearance had not changed much, but everything else in her demeanor was different. Her liveliness and confidence was replaced with pain and loneliness. It had been seven years since he had seen her, but whenever he closed his eyes he saw the woman she once was. The Buffy he was talking to now was a broken version of the Slayer.

"I-I was . . ." she trailed off and bowed her head. She didn't want to tell him, though she knew he already knew. Out of the corner of her eyes she saw his pained expression.

"It's okay, luv. I already know." He saw her try to cover up her tears. He figured it was something she had a lot of practice in doing.

"I don't understand how you knew."

"That can be a conversation for a later time. There is no need to talk about this now."

She smiled at him, her way of saying thank you. She looked past him at her clock and noticed it was getting close to dinner time. She had promised Xander she would eat with him and Willow. She figured that would be an hour filled with uncomfortable silences and unanswered questions. Honestly, all she wanted to do was stay with Spike. She felt comfortable around him. There wasn't as big of a barrier between them. In a way he knew so much of what she had already been through. They could skip all the questions and try to re-build their relationship. What kind of relationship she wasn't sure, but she needed to mend her relationship with all of them. That was a reason why she had agreed to dinner with the old gang.

"Look, I have to go."

He smiled and nodded. He got up from his seat next to her and walked to the door. He turned to her "If you ever need to talk or anything, I'm always here." She nodded in return as she watched him walk out of her room.

* * *

"How's Dawn?" Buffy asked as she attempted small talk.

"She's home and doing better."

"I'm glad," The Slayer said. She was still avoiding her sister and she was sure they all knew it. Buffy could sense resistance from her sister and wasn't ready for that long talk. She knew she would have to do it soon, but she would give her sister some more time to adjust. "What's new with you guys?"

"Monster fighting and Slayer training." Xander said shrugging "Same old."

"I'm working in a Coven. And so far no more Dark Willow relapses."

"That's it? No new girl's in either of your lives?"

They both shook their heads. Buffy frowned remembering Willow's relationship with Kennedy. It must have ended a while ago. Come to think of it she thought Willow and Kennedy were having issues before Buffy had left for Rome.

"Between the three of us I think I've noticed Dawn notice someone."

"Is this someone noticing back?" Buffy asked raising an eyebrow. It had been a long time since she did anything resembling gossip. It felt nice. It felt normal.

"I think so," Willow said becoming excited.

"It's Andrew." Xander said annoyed. Girls talk should be left for a time when he wasn't in the room. But he was glad for the distraction. Ever since they had their talk with Spike earlier in the day, all he could think about was Buffy. He was trying to act like he did when they were all together, but all his smiles felt forced. Girl talk aside, he was enjoying their time together, becoming more comfortable with his old friend.

"Andrew!" Buffy said incredulously.

"That's what I thought at first, but they seem to genuinely care for each other. He's not _as_ nerdy as he was."

"That's hard to believe." Buffy said. She half listened to Xander and Willow talk about some of their recent adventures. Something at the back of her mind was yelling at her to be alert. She could feel eyes on her. It was oddly familiar. She steeled a glance behind her and caught a glimpse of the figure before it slinked back into the shadows. She froze for a moment, then started to shake. Xander and Willow looked at her worried. She ran from the room.


	14. Mirages

"Buffy!" Xander yelled as he watched his friend run out of the room. He looked in the direction she had looked, but saw nothing. "What the hell was that about?"

"Something scared her." Willow said as she started after Buffy.

"Obviously," he replied. He put a hundred dollar bill on the table and followed the witch out of the restaurant.

* * *

Buffy ran into her room and grabbed a bag out of the closet. As she grabbed clothes and a few other items she wondered how he had found her. How long had he been following her before she noticed him? It deeply unnerved her that he was back again, but what upset her more was that she had to leave the friends that she was regaining. For awhile it was starting to feel like they were back the way they used to be. 

Where would she go now? She couldn't go back to New York. He probably already trashed her apartment. Hawaii would be nice, she went their as a child and always liked it. Either that or Los Angeles. That's where she had stayed the most. It was familiar and it felt like home. Though she had lived their for most of her life, the reason she liked it was because it was close to the remains of Sunnydale. The small town had been the cause of most of her troubles and pain, but it had also been where she met her friends and lovers. In Sunnydale she was usually the one that was feared. The Big Bads she had fought had scared her, but none as much as he did. She could fight vampires, demons, and Hell gods, but she couldn't fight helplessness. That's how he made her feel, helpless.

She jumped when she heard a loud knock on her door, followed by Willow saying her name. She didn't answer, but they opened the door anyway.

"Buffy, what's wrong?" Xander asked walking into the room, followed by Willow, Giles, and Spike.

"I have to go. He's coming for me." she said as she tried to push her way past them. Spike grabbed her and steered her to the bed. She struggled, but she let him sit her down.

"Who's coming for you?"

"The man who tortured me. I try to run, but h-he always finds me."

"He can't hurt you anymore Buffy." the vampire said placing his hands over hers.

"He always finds ways to." she said as tears started to fall down her cheeks.

"No, you don't understand, luv. He's dead."

Buffy was shocked. How could he be dead? How could any of them know? She shook her head, disbelieving.

"You don't know that."

"I snapped his neck. I know he's dead."

She took a moment to register what he said. She knew he was telling the truth and she figured that was how he knew so much about Rome and what she had been through.

"But I saw him. He was behind me in the restaurant."

"It was your mind playing tricks." Giles said stepping towards her. "Buffy, you have been through a great ordeal. It's normal for your mind to see the man that tortured you and make up scenarios where he follows you. But he can't hurt you anymore."

He was gone. She was really free. It was a new concept to her and a little overwhelming. For the past seven years she had lived in fear. Now that she no longer had to worry about that she could truly move on. It would time and the help of her friends, but she could do it.

* * *

Buffy knocked gently on her sister's door. "Dawnie, it's me." she called softly, but there was no response. She was tempted to leave and come back later, but she knew she might not have the courage to come back. She had to do this now. She opened the door to her sister's room and saw Dawn lying in bed. The lights on and so was her tv, but Dawn was asleep. 

As quietly as she could Buffy walked bad her sister's bed and turned her tv off. She grabbed a blanket off the back of a chair and draped it over Dawn. She looked so peaceful and content. Buffy bent over and kissed her sister's forehead.

Dawn stirred and opened her eyes. "Buffy?" she asked.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to wake you."

"It's alright. I'm a light sleeper." she said sitting up in her bed. "Is everything okay?"

"Everything is fine. I just wanted to see how you were doing."

"Better. The painkillers they have me on make me really tired."

"I'll let you get some rest then." Buffy said a little disappointed. "We can talk in the morning."

"Okay."

Buffy turned to walk out of the room, but Dawn's voice stopped her.

"Buffy, will you stay until I fall asleep?"

"Sure," she said walking over to the chair next to her sister's bed and sitting down. "Goodnight Dawn"

"Goodnight Buffy"


	15. Conclusions

_**A/N **Sorry for the late update. It was finals week. Now that they are over I have had lots of time to write. I hope you enjoy and thanks so much for the reviews!_

**January 19, 2004**

_Rome _

It had been two days since Buffy had arrived at the hospital and she wasn't feeling much better. In fact she was begriming to feel worse. Since she hadn't eaten anything but old bread and dirty water for a long time, she was having trouble keeping food down.

Thankfully the doctor had not asked her any more questions, but she was sure that they were coming. She figured he would bring the police in and they would question her. She wasn't sure what she would tell them if they came. She would probably tell the non- demon form of the truth.

Buffy pushed the little button next to her. It lit up a light outside her door, indicating she needed a nurse's assistance. A short woman named Shannon walked in holding a stack of files.

"Ahh, Miss Summers. How are you feeling?"

"Alright," she lied. Her voice still sounded funny in her ears.

"You don't look alright." Shannon said checking her vitals. "What can I do for you?"

"I-I'd like a little something to eat."

Shannon smiled and nodded walking out of her room. Buffy figured she would bring her some form of gelatin or soup broth. The Slayer found herself staring at the phone next to her bed, as she often did. She knew she should at least call them. Buffy knew she owed them that.

She picked up the phone and dialed the council's number, which would lead directly to Giles' office.

**

* * *

2010**

_Watcher's Council_

Buffy stirred as she felt the warm rays of sun through the window. She looked at the clock next to Dawn's bed that read 7:00. She didn't remember feeling that tired when she sat down, but according to the clock she had been asleep for a long time and so had her sister. She noticed that Dawn stirred at the same time she did.

"I hate mornings." her sister groaned as she sat up in bed. She jumped slightly when she looked over to Buffy.

"What?" Buffy asked faking alarm, brushing her fingers through her hair. "Do I have bed head?"

"No," Dawn smiled slightly "I didn't know you stayed the whole night."

"Guess I was more tired than I thought"

Buffy got up from the chair and yawned. She wasn't sure what was next. She and Dawn got past some of the uncomfortable feelings between them by small talk, but now it was really time for them to talk.

"So do you want to get breakfast or something?" Dawn asked.

"Sure, but there are some things I need to say first. I uh I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what my fake death put you through and I'm sorry I've neglected you the past couple of days."

"Why'd you do it? Why did you make us think you were dead?"

"Because I wished I was. There is some stuff about the past seven years that you don't know about and as far as I'm concerned I never want you to know about. Just trust that I never stopped loving you."

"I'm not a kid anymore" Dawn said her expression becoming hard "I need to know why you were gone. Why we thought you died. I've seen things these past years that you would never allow me to if you were here. Just tell me the truth."

"You're not ready to hear it and I'm not ready to tell you. How about we go meet up with the others and get something to eat?"

"No I think I'm going to stay here, but you go."

Buffy frowned. She knew it would end this way. With her sister it always seemed to end this way. But she knew Dawn well enough to know that sooner or later she would warm back up to Buffy. It would just take time.

There was more Buffy wanted to say, but she bit her tongue and nodded as she walked out of her sister's room.

* * *

"How are you feeling?" Willow asked as they walked towards Giles' office. The witch had met up with her on her way to speak to the Watcher.

"Crappy, mostly. My reconciliation with Dawn didn't go too well."

"Did you tell her about . . . you know?"

"No" Buffy sighed. "It's not something I want to bring up right now. .

They fell silent. For the first time Buffy realized that they really had nothing to talk about. The only conversations they had were about what she went through and what they had done since she was gone. When they weren't talking about that they really had nothing else to say to each other. They didn't even know the worst part of what she went through. How would they look at her then? If she thought their conversations were uncomfortable now, how it be when the knew the rest of her story. They'd never understand.

They reached Giles' door and were about to go in when Buffy broke the silence. "You go on in. There's something I have to do first." she turned and walked quickly walked back to her room leaving her confused friend behind.

Buffy was glad when she reached her room without running into any of her other friends. She grabbed a duffel bag from her closet and started throwing things in. She took pictures of the gang and a few other items from her past. She grabbed a piece of paper and a pen and wrote a note to her friends before she snuck out of the building.

* * *

"Buffy?" Xander asked as he knocked on her bedroom door. He sighed and looked at Giles and Willow standing next to him.

"How long has it been since you last saw her?" Giles asked the red head standing before him.

"Two and a half, maybe three hours. She said she had something to do, but I figured she'd be right back to your office."

Xander knocked again and then opened the door. The lights were on and thins were strewn about the floor and there was no sign of the Slayer.

"A demon?" Willow asked frantically scanning the room.

"No." Xander said picking up a note attached to a picture of the Scoobies when they were in High School. After reading it Xander handed it to Giles then ran out of the room.

_

* * *

Since you're reading this, you know I'm gone. It's not because of you. In my short stay here I've found something I've been missing for the past seven years. Love. You guys showed me that again and you have no idea how much it means to me. But there's more to what happened in my past then I told you. Don't worry about me and don't waste your time looking for me. I've had too much practice in hiding for you to find me. This thing you don't know about is something that has haunted me since Rome and I'm not ready to face it. Tell Dawn that I'm sorry. Thank you all for looking after her and I know you'll continue to. A few days ago I told you that hope was could be one of the worst things in this world. While I still believe it, I now also know that hope is one of the most powerful things in this world. Isn't that ironic? You give me hope that things may one day work out. If they do, I'll look you up._

_I love you all,_

_Buffy _

* * *

A/N2 Do I smell a plot twist?


	16. Blame

**January 19, 2004**

_Rome_

The knots in Buffy's stomach grew larger each time the phone rang. After the fifth one there was a beep, indicating her to leave a message. She hung up and dialed Willow's room number.

"Hello" came a cheery voice from the other end. Buffy tried to form words, but all that came out was a tiny squeak. "Who is this?"

"Willow . . ." But the word came out sounding funny. She heard the witch laugh on the other end.

"Xander stop that. If you're going to crank call me at least say something. It may also be smart not to do it three times in a row." Willow hung up leaving Buffy shocked and confused. She cleared her throat and dialed Xander's number hoping that he would pick up because she wasn't sure if she had enough strength to keep this up.

"Hey this is Xander and I'm obviously not here right now. Call my cell or Willow and you'll reach me." Buffy put the phone back on it's hook and sighed, disappointed. She wasn't sure what she was expecting, but she wasn't expecting them all to be _happy_. Had they forgotten about her "death" already? Did they even care? It angered her that they were playing games and she was sitting in the hospital fighting for her life. What angered her more was that they had no idea.**

* * *

2010 **

_New York_

2010 2010 

Buffy breathed a sigh of relief as she entered her apartment. She was finally home. The few days she had been gone felt like weeks. The first thing Buffy noticed was a small, red three blinking in the darkness. She walked over to her message machine and pressed play. The first message was from some telemarketer. The next was her boss, he was checking to make sure she was okay. Buffy smiled. The people she worked with were genuinely nice people. If she worked anywhere else she would be fired by now. She made a mental note to thank them for it.

As the third message started to play she cursed. She wanted to check up on Lucy before too much time had passed, but she totally forgot. At least Lucy sounded happy in the message and she said she was only calling to thank her. Buffy would check on her at school tomorrow. Hopefully everything was going okay with her and her sister.

* * *

"I should have kept a closer eye on her." 

"It's not your fault, Giles." Willow said as they walked down the busy streets of New York. Buffy had mentioned that was where she lived, but they had no other information and their search was coming up empty. "We all ignored the situation. I just hope we find her soon."

"Agreed." Xander chimed in. "We scared her off. We're idiots and we know that. What we don't know is why Buffy took off. All she said was that there was more to her past then we knew about. Cryptic much."

The Watcher and the Witch glared at him. "What you both are wondering the same thing."

"What do you think happened?" Willow asked, letting her curiosity take over.

"I can't even imagine. Whatever it is, it is obviously haunting her."

The three continued down the sidewalk in silence, lost in their thoughts. It was Xander who spoke first.

"I wish we knew where she was."

"I may be able to help with that." came a familiar voice from the shadows.**

* * *

January 23, 2004**

_Rome_

"How are you feeling today Buffy?" the doctor asked as he walked into her room.

"Alright," she shrugged.

"We got your test results back. Your bones are healing nicely. Hopefully there won't be much permanent damage."

"How much longer do I have to stay here?"

"A while. You still have a lot of healing to do." The doctor sighed as he pulled up a chair next to her bed. "Miss Summers, I know you have been through a traumatic experience, but it's time that you talk to the police."

"I don't want to."

"Whoever did this to you should be punished, don't you want that?"

She stayed still and looked straight ahead. She wanted revenge alright, but honestly she was too scarred to even think about what she had been through and what is means about her future, or most likely, lack there of.

"They can't hurt you any more, Buffy. You're safe."

"You don't know that."

The doctor just sighed, defeated. He made a few marks on her chart then walked out of the room. Buffy stared out the window to the oncoming sunset and pondered her future.


	17. Moving On Again

A/N I'm so sorry for not updating in awhile. I kind of lost track of time with everything that's been going on and other projects I've been working on. And good news for those of you who also follow _**The Good Fight**_, it will be returning very shortly.Anyway I hope you enjoy this chapter and please review!

**January 27, 2004**

_Rome_

Buffy looked over at the clock next to her bed. It was almost three in the morning. The night nurse would come in a few minutes and check her vitals, like she did every night. When she heard footsteps, Buffy closed her eyes and pretended to be asleep. She could hear the nurse humming a familiar song and tried hard not to smile.

The night nurse, Wanda, was probably the only thing she would miss about this place. She was only a few years older than Buffy and a very entertaining person. Buffy didn't sleep a lot; so most nights Wanda would come into the room during her breaks and fill Buffy in on all the pop culture she had been missing.

The woman reminded Buffy of Willow. Except she had dark hair and an accent. But the passion for learning was the same. She loved to hear what America was like. Buffy mostly told her stories about Los Angeles, leaving out anything supernatural.

She heard Wanda's humming fade and when it was quiet again she opened her eyes. As quietly as she could she ripped off the IV into her arm and pulled off the wires monitoring her heart. The machine flat lined and she quickly turned it off, hoping no one had heard it.

She went to her doorway and looked around. There was an elevator down the hall. It was easy to get to, but she'd have to get to it without being caught. It'd help if she had a change of clothes, but all she had was the hospital nightgown, which was awfully conspicuous. But right now that was the least of her worries. She just wanted to get out of here.

Buffy tip toed to the elevator and pressed the down arrow hoping that it wouldn't ding when it reached her floor. She was relieved when the doors opened silently. She stepped in and pressed a button to go to the first floor, which was the Emergency room.

She was surprised when she stepped out that there were a lot of people here this late at night. But she guessed if a real ER was anything like the television show, then they were always busy.

She walked toward the door, blending into the shadows, something, which she was always good at. She walked out of the hospital, unseen.

* * *

**New York**

_2010_

Buffy stared at her bed longingly. She was so tired. All she wanted to do was lay down and sleep for days, but that would have to wait until after her shower.

As she turned to go into the bathroom, she froze. The phone was ringing. Had they found her already? They couldn't have. Against her better judgement she moved to answer the phone.

"Hello?"

"Buffy? It's Angel."

Damn. While she hadn't expected Giles and the others to find her, she forgot all about Angel and his resources at Wolfram and Hart. She hung up the phone, knowing that he was probably already on his way to her house. She grabbed her coat, her emergency cash, and a stake and ran out of the apartment.

Buffy hopped into the nearest cad and made her way to the airport. She hadn't expected to move this soon and afterall she loved New York, but it was time to move on again. That was something, which she was terribly good at and terribly bad at.


	18. Nothing

**A/N **Sorry for the dely in updates . . .again. School is over now so I'm going to have a lot more time to devot to this fic and all my others. Review please!

* * *

"We are now boarding all passengers for United flight 782 to Boston." The attendant's voice boomed over the loudspeaker. Buffy looked down at the ticket in her hand. She knew that if she left now that she would probably be on the run for the rest of her life. She wished she had enough courage to face her friends, but she couldn't bring herself to turn around. 

She stood up and walked through the terminal into the plane and searched for her seat. She sat staring out the window when she felt someone sit down next to her. She glanced over then turned back to her window. It took her a moment to realize who she was sitting next to and she jerked her head back around.

"Hello, luv."

"Spike? What are you doing here?"

"I've been tracking you since you left the Council," he smiled at her look of disbelief "I was going to talk to you when you were at you're apartment, but then you got that call from Captain Forehead and I decided to wait. At least now you can't run away from me."

"I don't want to talk to you and I'm not leaving with you." Buffy said a little harsher than she planned.

"Oh well. Red-eye flight, plenty of darkness. And I get to catch up on my movies."

"Spike, this is only a two and a half hour flight, there's no movie." she told him rolling her eyes.

"Oh,"he said as his face fell.

She chuckled at him. She could tell that he was trying to put up a front for her, but he was really concerned. She was touched. For as long as she could remember Spike never failed to amaze her, wether the reason was good or bad, and he hadn't let her down this time either.

He smiled at her. She expected him to say something or do something to try to make her get off the plane and confront what she was running from, but he didn't. He touched her hand reassuringly then settled back in his seat as the plane was about to take off.

**

* * *

February 1, 2004**

_Florence, Italy_

The rain beat down against her back as she ran. The streets were wet and her shoes were muddy. She kept slipping and falling down. Each time she did she wasn't sure if she'd have the strength to get back up. She needed to rest, but she had no place to go and no money. Buffy stole a look behind her and saw that she wasn't being followed. There was no one in sight.

She pushed herself up off the ground and ran into the nearest ally. She hid in a corner concealed with trash cans and cardboard boxes. She made herself as small as possible and curled into a ball, trying to get warm. She was shivering, partly from the cold, but mostly from the fear that consumed her. She thought she saw him again. She thought she saw him everywhere. Every time she turned around there he was slinking in the shadows, waiting to strike. She'd see him and run, but no one ever followed her.

Her insomnia blurred her vision and clouded her mind. Buffy knew that the fear of waking up in chains was what kept her from sleep. Hours ticked by as the Slayer held her head in her hands and cried.

**

* * *

Present Day**

_New York, NY_

"Damn," Angel said as they reached Buffy's apartment. He stood in the hallway as the others went inside.

"She's not too far ahead of us," Xander observed "Bath water is still warm."

"Angel can you still track her scent?" Giles asked as the others followed him out of the apartment.

Angel didn't anser. He was already one step ahead of them and sniffing the air. He wore a confused expression.

"What is it?"

Angel's eyes narrowed, "Spike."

_Boston, Massachusetts_

"Where to?"

"I'm not sure. I'll probably get a hotel for the night and figure out my next move tomorrow."

"So you're planning on running again?" he said casting his eyes down toward the ground.

"Please don't start with me Spike," Buffy told him as she hailed a cab.

She gave him a confused look when he followed her into the cab. "It's almost sunrise. I want to get inside before I start to boil."

They spent the rest of the ride in silence. The taxi driver dropped them off at a small motel at the edge of town. He followed her in and to her room. "Well thanks for keeping me company," she said before shutting the door in his face. If she was going to move on she couldn't do it with him near her. She had to let go of the past, her whole past a he was a big part of it. Buffy flopped down on the bed and closed her eyes.

**

* * *

February 2, 2004**

_Florence, Italy_

The rain stopped an hour before the sun came up. Buffy had spent the night trying to figure out what to do next. She was tired, hungry, weak, and wet. She was also still in pain. The medication had worn off and she was starting to feel the effects of her injuries. She was still the Slayer with advanced healing capabilities, but being tortured for months really took a toll on the body, slayer or not.

Once the sun came up and she had enough strength, she stood up and started walking, in hopes of finding food or some warm clothes. She observed the many people's normal mornings. The coffee shops were bustling, parents walked their children to school, and lovers embraced. She felt like an outsider watching through the shadows.

As she watched them she realized that she could never be like them. Her life didn't mean anything anymore. Someone had abused her like she didn't mean anything and she let them make her nothing. That's what she was. That's how she felt. That's what she felt. Nothing.


	19. Shoulder to Cry On

It was almost noon by the time Buffy woke up. She stretched her tired muscles and looked out the window. It was pretty here, she should come here on vacation some time. But right now she had to move on. Spike, no doubt, had already contacted Giles and her friends. They were probably on there way here.

She sighed as she made sure she had all her things then went to the door. She wasn't sure where she was going to go next, but she figured she'd catch the quickest flight to anywhere. She opened the door and heard a thud.

"Bloody hell."

She looked down surprised. Spike was laying on the floor looking up at her. "You're still here?"

"Wasn't gonna let you run away again." he said getting to his feet. "Buffy I know what happened to you was horrible, but you need help. I can't stand seeing you like this. You need to move on and the only way for you to do that is if you talk to someone. Please."

She looked into his pleading eyes filled with tears. "I-I can't."

"Buffy, you don't have to run. No one knows you're here. Just let me come in. I can't lose you again."

She nodded and stepped aside "Come in, Spike."

He stepped over the threshold and closed the door. He followed her over to the bed and sat next to her. He looked at her patiently as he waited for her to speak.

"I-I don't even know where to start."

"What happened after you escaped?"

"I spent some time in the hospital, then ran away." she took a deep breath and looked into his deep blue eyes "I went to Florence first. I was so lost. I slept on the street and hid in alleys. I was insane with fear. I was literally crazy. I kept having dreams and hallucinations of him coming for me."

"Then what?" he knew he was pushing, but there was something in Buffy's eyes that told him she was about the drop a bomb and he had to know what was haunting her. She looked down at her hands and looked back up at him with tears in his eyes.

**February 2, 2004**

_Florence, Italy_

"Slayer."

Buffy looked into the yellow eyes of the vampire standing before her. She had lured him to the alley, where she knew no one would try to rescue her. As he approached her she remembered all the times she had fought and killed vampires in places similar to this one. If she wanted to attack it she knew exactly what moves to use.

But she just stood there as the vampire edged closer to her. He was slightly wary, anticipating her attack, but when he realized there wasn't one coming he charged and when straight for her neck. His fangs went deep into her veins and she could feel the blood flowing out of her. She could feel her consciousness fade and she almost smiled. Her vision stared to blur, but she could still see the vampire turn to dust in front of her.

"NO!" Buffy screamed searching for the vampire's killer. She saw the outline of a person with bright red hair. Then she fell to the ground.

**2010**

_Boston_

"So you just . . ." Spike's voice trailed off.

"I didn't have the strength to do it myself. I guess I expected to feel bad that I was about to die when the vampire was draining me, but I didn't. I was actually happy, I was looking forward to going to a place I knew I would be happy. And when the vampire turned to dust all that hope flowed out of me. I felt sorry for myself that I didn't die."

"Buffy don't blame yourself. That bastard made you crazy. I've been there myself."

"The person who saved me also healed me and I became more or less sane again, but part of me still wanted it. That's why I could never come back. That Buffy was lost when the vampire nearly drained my blood."

"Who saved you?"

**February 4, 2004**

_Florence, Italy_

Buffy groaned. She felt like she'd been hit by a truck. She opened her eyes and noticed she was lying in a bed in a dimly lit apartment building. There was something smoking next to her and it smelled horrible.

"They're herbs," a voice said from the doorway.

"Oz?" Buffy asked as her old friend walked into the light.

"Hey Buffy," he smiled slightly. He looked the same from when she last saw him. His hair had grown out a little and was more muscular, but everything else was the same.

"You didn't call Giles or Willow, did you?"

"No. I don't even know their number. And I don't have a phone," he looked her over with a worried expression on his face. "Buffy, what happened to you?"

She looked at the floor and said nothing. Sensing her discomfort he kneeled next to her bed and put his hands on her shoulders. "It's okay Buffy. You don't have to tell me."

She just nodded and laid back down. "You should get some rest. The herbs will only heal so much. I'm going to go to the store and pick up some antibiotics and bandages. Maybe a little food. I don't have much here."

He turned to go, but she stopped him. "Can you go later? Can you just stay with me?"

He could tell she was scared. In all the time he knew her he had never seen her as scared as he saw her now.

"Sure." he said and pulled up a chair next to her bed.


	20. Hope

**February 20, 2004**

_Florence, Italy_

"Where do you think you'll go?"

"I'm not sure. Probably Australia. I've always wanted to go there."

"No chance you'll go back to England?"

"I don't think I can ever go back to them. I've changed so much." Buffy said wrapping a blanket around herself.

"I understand," Oz said giving her a reassuring smile. "I know what it's like when you just need to get away."

"I don't know how to thank, Oz. Without your help I'd be dead right now. Or a vampire. Which I guess is dead too."

"I'm just glad I could help," his voice turning serious. "If you ever need me I'll be . . .around."

"Where will you go next?" she asked. She knew the werewolf moved a lot. She wanted to see all the places he'd seen. He had told her stories about his adventures all over the world. She wanted to see all of these places.

"I'll probably stay in Florence for awhile. I like it here. I don't really have a plan for where I'm going to go. Most of the time if I feel like leaving I go and see where I end up."

**2010**

"Did Oz know what happened?"

"Yeah. I told him everything, but he pretty much guessed something bad happened." Buffy looked down at her hands. She could feel Spike's gaze on her and it made her want to curl up into a ball. She had just confessed her darkest secret to him and she felt so small. He sensed her discomfort and put a reassuring hand on her shoulder.

"Listen, Buffy, I've seen a lot of pain, I've been the cause of most of it actually, but I've seen enough to know it's not your fault. It's normal for people to feel that way after an experience you went through. The son of a bitch that did this to you was a sadistic bastard who got what he deserved. Don't let him ruin the rest of your life."

"What life? I don't know how to be that Buffy anymore."

Spike sighed and got on his knees in front of her. He grabbed both of her hands and looked into her eyes. "I don't have all the answers, but I know there are four people looking for you that love you as much as I do and are willing to help you find those answers."

As if on cue there was a slight knock on the door. Spike looked to Buffy and she nodded before he stood up to answer it. Buffy wiped the tears away from her eyes and stood. She knew what was waiting on the other side of the door and she was ready.

"Buffy! Thank God." Willow said as she rushed through the door followed by Xander, Dawn, Giles, and Angel.

"H-How'd you guys find me?"

"I contacted the local Wolfram and Hart and they told me you'd checked in here."

Buffy just nodded. She didn't know what to say and by the looks of it no one else did either. Dawn was the first to speak up.

"Buffy I know this is an incredibly stupid question, but are you alright?"

"I'm not sure yet , Dawn."

"Look, Buffy, we don't know what happened that you feel like to can't tell us, but honestly it doesn't matter," Willow started walking up to her. "As long as your with us we don't care about where you've been the past seven years. We love you and nothing will change that."

"Yeah, Buff. We just want to help you and make you happy. That's what friends do."

They moved to hug her, much like they had when she had come back from the dead and she thanked them for bringing her back. But this time she wasn't faking the happiness. It had taken Spike to make her realize that they all really did love and care for her. Maybe this was the new beginning she was looking for. She had a long road ahead of her and a lot of healing to do, but with the help of the people around her she could recover and maybe get back a little of the Buffy that was lost in Rome. She had once thought this feeling was the worst in the world. Being chained and beaten had taught her that, but she was realizing that everything had a positive and negative side. She had already lived the negative and this was the positive.

Hope.

* * *

So that's the end of the story. I'd just like to thank all the readers and a special thanks to all those who reviewed. They make me want to right more. I'd really love to hear any feedback about how it ended or how much the last few chapters sucked (I don't know what happened, but everything kinda fell apart.) So thanks again!


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